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1. Friday, March 28 -
Melbourne
I
have
just landed at the Australian southern city of Melbourne for
what is supposed to be the best time of my life. I've spent the last
30
hours or so in or in between flights. The itinerary was
Tel-Aviv-Athens-Bangkok-Sydney-Melbourne. Not to mention an 8 (!!)
hour wait
in Athens airport. Of course that was the cheapest ticket, at about
100$
less than the closest fair....(more)
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Some stuff I saw and realized on the way here:
1. Athens airport is about 100 km (60 miles) away from the city
itself.
Which means getting to the city would leave just enough time to eat
a
suflaki and head back. On the other hand, it's a hell of a lot of
time to
spend in an airport.
2. Only in greece would a place called "Papadiamantopolus Optics"
become a
brand name.
3. You know those electric life-size kids dolls they put in shop
windows ?
the ones that lift their arm up and then take it down in a Zig-Heil
like
motion. Well, I guess someone in the athens airport thought it would
be nice
to put a Winnie the poo such doll lying and cover it halfway with a
blanket.
What does it look like ? A masturbating Poo.
4. We were supposed to be at this counter at the airport at 2pm. At
1:55 pm
a group of say, 50 japanese people rushed through the door and to
the
counter. I obviously concluded that the japanese are mad time
keepers.
It was an organized group.
5. Ok, Hebrew letters are weird, and Greek letters are maybe
slightly less
weird, but Thai letters are crazy ! It looks like they let a guy on
LSD try
to draw squares.
6. They have a local version of playboy in greece. I would have
bought one
but then I wouldn't be able to read the articles.
7. Taking a condom with me for the plane rides was pretty darn cocky
in
retrospect.
8. Thai air is the best airline ever. There's always a stewardess
walking
down the isle offering something - water, a drink, food, a lap
dance.
9. It was way hot when the stewardesses bowed upon my arrival. Not
so hot
when the male stewardess do it.
10. I'm longer than the average thai, or so the seat space would
indicate.
11. The movies they offer on planes are way boring. Why not offer
"Harry
Cooter and the chamber of secretions" instead of that bull ?
12. When I got to the Melbourne airport at 1:30am and picked up a
phone to a
local hostel this guy answered : "Good morning". OH MY GOD ! Why do
those
damn aussies have to have everything backwards ?
13. When I got to the hostel after being a good boy and making a
reservation, they told me that they can't find the reservation
because of
"an alcohol incident". So they upgraded me to a single room for the
night. I
love this place ! |
2. Monday,
March 31
So i've been
here (Melbourne) for a couple of days,
starting to get the nick of things.....(more).
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I noticed some stuff about Australia that's really weird. I went
to the
botanical gardens in Melbourne, and they're called "The Royal
Botanical
Gardnes". And the coins have the picture of the queen of England
on them. I
mean, common aussies, you're not a colony for at least 50 years,
get off it.
So I asked this guy what it means that the queen is on the coins
and stuff
and he answered : "Basically it says in our constitution that
britain could
tell us to send soldiers to any war they want, but if they'll try
to use
that clause we'll just crap on their fucking heads". Or in other
words,
you're british-whipped.
And on the other side of the coins is the australian symbol. Now
countries
usually have dignified symbols. America has the eagle, Israel has
the
Menorah, and every country in europe's symbol looks like a
knight's armour
with some latin writing around it. The aussie symbol is a drawing
of a
kangaroo and an emu (big bird) who seems like they were
papparazzi-painted
when they didn't expect it. Kinda funny.
They put me in a room with a bunch of english guys and an english
girl (yes
! shared dorms !). The girl is a cute english-asian girl really
small in
size (less than 1.50m I think she said 4'9 but I haven't a clue to
what that
means). So she changed her jeans in the room one day, and after
that she
asked me whether I like the shirt she's wearing or another shirt.
Easy
question ! English girls are apparently very, ummm, liberal...
And the guys from the room just came from south africa. I asked
them what's
happening in there at this time. They said that the cricket world
cup just
ended. "That's a stupid game, don't you think ?". Obviously
enough, they
spent 7 weeks going to each and every game. I squirmed away by
saying that
it must be an acquired taste.
I tell english speakers to call me AL because I don't like the way
they
pronounce Almog. So these guys decided to call me "Mr. Coholic" or
"Mr.
capone" or "Mr. Lergy". I don't get it.
Melbourne has a system of trams (that's trains on the street),
that's very
nice. You just get on a tram, and independently go to a ticket
vending
machine on board and buy a ticket for that ride. Can anyone spell
FREE RIDE?
Last but not least I saw this little story on the wall of a bar I
was at
last night:
"In a herd of buffallos the weakest ones always ride on the back
of the
herd. That way, when hunters come, they're the first ones hunted.
That's actually good for the buffallos as natural selection that
way makes
them stronger and faster.
When you drink you kill brain cells. The first brain cells to die
are
naturally the weak and slow ones. That's why when you drink you
feel smarter
!". |
3 .
Sunday, April 06
Been on
a road trip on Australia's southern coast - it's a
road that's just on the coastline, very nice views of the ocean and
cliffs
and whatever. Now I'm back in Melbourne for the weekend...(more)
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And for
the usual comments :
1. Australia is just jam packed with europeans and especially you see
british people everywhere. Now I'm pretty used to hanging with Israelis and
Americans but I got the hang of the brits by now I guess.
Now as you may or may not all no, I cannot dance.
The great thing is - so can't european girls. They just dance totally awful.
Even the pretty ones. Which makes it just OK to do my idiotic prancing
around without getting the usual stares or rotten tomatoes chucked at me.
My theory is that the average ability of people of some nationality to dance
is in direct relation to the percentage of white people in their homeland.
UK is full of whiteboys and therefor cannot dance. Any thoughts on that
(just don't tell me about the minorities in Britain coz that will ruin my
case).
2. I've rented a car with 2 welsh guys and we went to a trip on the great
ocean road (some of australia's south shore). It's all very nice, but after
a couple of times you see a beautiful cliff with beautiful shore, you just
get kind of tired of it. So I can honestly say the great ocean road was no
more than the pretty ok ocean road.
3. We bought our food for the road trip in advance in a supermarket.
Honestly, if I eat one more bite of tuna I'm going to grow fins. And I had
baked beans for the first time of my life on this road trip. Not the
smartest thing to eat when you're stuck in a car with 2 other people who had
it. We were doing the boston cheer the whole way.
4. I tried learning how to juggle 3 balls. Now, I can barely dribble, and
feel pretty lucky when I go a full day of walking without falling down in
some embarrasing way. So this was quite of my league I thought, but it's
pretty easy after hours and hours of boring practice. It's just great when
you can do something in the middle of the street and people would stop just
to look at you. So it was eithere juggling or learning how to mime. Or just
walking around naked in the street.
5. I saw in the middle of a golfing course a pack of 100 Kangaroos. They're
very very cute animals, like bunnies with huge feet and legs. Only the thing
about them I didn't know is that they have huge claws !!! How cute are they
now ?
AL Qaeda
*MY HEAD
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4. Tuesday,
April 08
So, I woke up this day with some itches. I didn't think it was
anything
serious and just put some lotion on it.But then a couple of hours
later they
got bigger and reddish. So I asked one of my roommates what the
fuck's wrong
with me. He told me it's BED BUGS !!!.....(more).
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.. Now, I don't know about you, but I just thought
that was a children's rhyme.
Turns out that bed bugs exist all too well, and when they get you it's not
nice.
So I went down to reception and told them I was bitten. They seem to have a
procedure when that kind of thing happens, coz the guy at the desk just got
a tube of lotion out of no where, and told me to get a shower and to wash
all my clothes and they'll move me to another room. So I washed myself up
real goo and went to another room. I also washed and dried all my clothes
for the first time in my life, even though I was terrified of doing the wash
myself.....
Of course I was bitten the next night as well.
Now, I was kind of pissed. So the guy at the front desk said "Sorry, you
should have washed them in HOT WATER". Thanx a bunch, mate. It seems they
got themselves a little house in my sleeping bag. So I went and washed all
my clothes and the sleeping bag in hot water in this washing store that had
a lot of washing machines, and this time I was taking no risks. I took all
my clothes off and was wearing only a bathing suit when I was in there. It
actually embarassed my Welsh friend so much he denied any connection to me.
Now, I haven't told you this yet, but I bought 3 juggling balls and I'm
learning how to juggle. I'm getting pretty good. So I took them to the
washing store and was practicing, sitting on a chair, with my back to the
window. Now the window started at about half the height of my back sitting
down, and as I was wearing a bathing suit, it seemed to everyone on the
street that a naked bald guy with a big head is practicing how to juggle. I
can swear a girl stepped in for a moment just to check out my bod. So my
clothes went through 2 washes and were now the cleanest ever.
I also had to go buy some lotion, and the girl at the pharmacy was mad hot.
Now I really wanted to pick her up, but "excuse me, I have bed bugs bad, can
I have this lotion and your phone number ?" seemed like a bad line. Shit.
That's it about the bed bugs. And now a little anecdote I heard some english
guys saying. It seems that Osama bin Laden spent some time watching a
football (soccer) game of his favorite team, Arsenal, about 2 months before
9.11. Now, get this, less than a week after 9.11, the arsenal club came out
with this public announcement that our buddy Osama is banned FOR LIFE from
all Arsenal games. Sheesh, guys, that's kind of harsh. I bet he was crushed.
You think he's really watching the news, and after this headline "Bush wants
Osama dead or alive" he's like "Yeah, whatever, how did arsenal do this week
?".
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5.
Saturday, April 12- Sydney
I'm in Sydney right now, after getting
a lift with 2 guys who rented a car.
Some stuff that happened in the last week...(more).
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..
1. It seems that european girls are
very impressed by the fact that I was in
the army. Sometimes these conversations just get out of hand. Here is a
transcript of a real conversation I had with 19 year old Inga, a dutch girl
:
Inga: "So you were in the army ?"
AL : "Yeah."
I: "What did you do ?"
A (hopelessly trying to conceal the fact that I did absolutely nothing of
any importance or interest, clutching to some truth): "I HAD A GUN !"
I (sighs) : "WOW, really ?"
A : "Yep."
I : "Why did you have a gun for ?"
A : "To shoot my enemies." (not a great thinker, that inga)
I : "Who are your enemies ?"
A (generealising) : "Arabs."
I : "So that KOSOVO thing is still going on ?"
A (trying to find the fastest way to shut her up): "YES !".
2. I was sleeping on the drive here, sitting on the passenger seat, next to
the driver. Waking up, I noticed, to my horror, that the driver had his eyes
closed. I panically screamed "WAKE UP !".
So he just opened his eyes and started laughing. It seems that in Wales, it
is FUNNY to close one eye - the one I could see from where I was sitting,
when the passenger is waking up.
Fucker.
3. We went through Canberra while we were on the drive here. A very very
beautiful city, built from scratch as Australia's capital. Only it's boring
as watching paint dry in an elderly bingo game. You just get out to the
street and you literally yawn. You have to see it to believe - and no, this
is not a recommendation. |
6.
Wednesday,
April 16 -
Juggling addiction and
the lost ticket
So I've been in sydney for a couple of
days and gathered some
experiences. There I go...(more).
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....Hello
to all. So I've been in sydney for a couple of days and gathered some
experiences. There I go:
1. A lot of street shows here in sydney.
I was watching one show of a guy
whose show was pretty exaggerated, to say the least.
He did the following at the same time (I'm not kidding) : Balancing himself
standing on a bike he mounted on a 10 foot (3 meter) pole, while juggling an
apple, a sword and a torch.
That's a lot of fucking hard work for my 30 cents !
2. I'm slowly getting positively addicted to two things here : juggling and
sushi. Sushi's so cheap here, you just have to eat at least a roll a day
(which I do). The juggling is a little more problematic - sure, it's a great
conversation starter, but sometimes in the middle of the day, I feel like I
have to juggle then and there. And I do. I just caught myself thinking the
other day "wouldn't it be cool to juggle on the roof of the sydney opera
house ?". Anyone one know of JA (jugglers anonymous) meetings in Sydney ?
Not to mention this strange conversation I had with the Gay janitor at the
hostel (who I just taught to juggle 2 balls the day before) :
Gay Janitor : "So when can I come grab your balls again ?"
AL (not yet grasping the double-entendre) : "Whenever".
Gay Janitor (giggling) : "Can I grab 'em right now ?"
AL (got it by now) : "I'm actually playing with them most of the day, but
you can just come to my room when I'm sleeping and grab them".
Left him speechless.
3. This guy's name in the hostel was John, but I didn't know that. And he
had a shirt that said "Rusty Surfboards". So I called him Rusty, and now all
the hostel does. Poor kid.
4. I lost my plane ticket about a week ago (don't worry, mom). I was really
really pissed and was looking all over for it, but couldn't find it.
So when I got to sydney, I went straight to the airline (30 minute walk) so
they would blacklist the ticket so no one uses it (just tons of Almog
Flitters out there on the prey for my ticket). They told me the ticket will
be ready in 2 days, and so it was.
So I went there today with my passport, paid them 25 american dollars
and got my new ticket. And then I was looking at my passport, which is
placed inside a nice cover with pockets I bought for it. Yep, and there was
the old ticket, good as new. Now, I can't really stress how dumb I am. Would
that not be the first place you would look for it ? Specially considered
that I PUT IT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!
5. I am innogurating this corner, and will every week (hopefully) include a
scam I did or plan to do with my Israeli wits.
AL'S SCAM OF THE WEEK
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On my first night here, I went to try Taco Bell for the first time (yes, I
was a taco bell virgin). The food tasted good but that's beside the point.
They gave me a paper cup to go fill my besides the cashier with soft drinks.
I have, in fact, kept that cup, and use it everyday to drink about 30
million cups of Pepsi, mountain dew etc. etc. It's like magic, AND I'm also
hurting a big conglomorate while being this extreme cheapskate !! So I'm
actually being an anti-globalist backpacker ! Woo hoo !
6. It is actually today the Jewish holiday of passover, in which jews all
rejoice in sitting around a table, eating food to stuff them and tell the
story of the immigration out of egypt of the hebrew slaves.
I was going to go to this local CHABAD (Jewish missionaries I guess would be
the best way to describe them) passover meal.
But, then I told that to my english room mates, and they told me that Pizza
Hut has a great deal on all you can pizza. Not only that, they offered that
I tell them the story of the hebrew slaves over pizza. So while most of you
suckers will be sitting with your families eating crappy matzo-balls soup,
I'll be binging on some fast food. HA !!! |
7 .
Thursday, April 24 - Evil friday and the Oz experience -
I left you all last time on passover night, with me eating pizzas.
BIG
MISTAKE. I had a bad tummy-ache, and had problems going to sleep
that night.
I guess that's god's way of telling me : "Bad jew ! Bad jew !"....(more).
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Two things really sucked on the last couple of days I spent in sydney :
Easter and the weather.
While jews around the world celebrate passover, christians celebrate easter.
It's all about the ressurection of christ, after he died for the first time
bla bla bla (that jesus is kind of like buffy, eh ?). And the way to
celebrate easter is by eating tons of chocolate and closing businesses
early, or not opening them at all. Now that might not sound like much, but
pubs close at about 10pm on "Good Friday" and "Good monday", or as I called
them "Shitty friday" and "Evil monday". So basically, you can't get wasted
on those nights.
Now, sydeny had beautiful beaches to spend sunshine time at, only that there
was no sunshine for the last 5 days. That just means more time in the hostel
to get acquainted with more people, and buying cartons of beer and getting
wasted indoors.
I went to an electronic music group gig (they go by the name of Infected
Mushroom, ew), and thought I'd be fashionably late if I come at 10:30pm when
the ads said 9:30. Na-ah. The warm up acts lasted till 3am, and I ended up
dancing 7 hours straight which was good fun.
On my last night in Sydney I went to a strip club for the first time. No
words could describe how crap it was. I DID NOT KNOW they make thongs this
size. The only thing that helped save the night was my english companion's
witty remarks. When one girl asked him if he wants a dance, he said he
doesn't dance all that well. Or he was just signalling them to come over and
when they did ask them for the time.
AL'S SCAM OF THE WEEK
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Intro - there's a company that specializes in trips for backpackers in
australia called "Oz Experience". The basic idea is that instead of seeing
15 coastal towns when going up the coast, and not remembering what you did
where, they take you to remote places in the middle of nowhere to see the
"true australia". Their ticket to go north up the coast obviously costs
more, and I couldn't quite afford it (it's about 380 AU $ retail price,
compared to 200 AU $ for a regular bus).
BUT a roommate in my hostel had a ticket and I could tell he wanted to sell
it, as he was going back home early. I knew he was easy prey when he had
problems with converting the amounts back to british pounds. So I bought the
ticket off of him for 180 AU $. And he still thinks he got a good deal -
it's a win-win situation.
Pheww, sorry about that long passage but it's crucial for me to explain how
the hell I got to be where I am right now. I am now in the MiniTown of
Bingara, not even on most Maps, 1200 residents, which really has only one
street ! That's one of the stops considered "real australia", as you can
imagine, just like Nundle, where 2 days ago I helped shave a sheep (hot !).
So for the meanwhile I'm staying here, enjoying the sun while up the coast
it's still raining. The Bingara library offers free internet services, so
feel free to write me.
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8 .
Monday, April 28 - town of
Bingara.
What I managed to do in my 3 days
in the shithole town of Bingara...(more).
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1) I got 2 nicknames by the
locals - "Apples" and "Massie", the first
because I juggled apples in a local pub after daring me to, and the latter
because I gave this girl a massage in the other local pub another night.
2) After all the pubs close on 0:00am, the local arrange for their own
parties - sometimes in their houses, but the coolest are just bonfires by
the river, with alcohol and electronic music playing. I would dare call it a
rave only I think you should have a shitload of more people for that.
3) Eat the greasiest, most disgusting Ozzie burger possible. It was so
greasy that once I picked up the bun (which was greasy itself), and took a
bite, I realized I just bit the bun coz the burger all slipped out. Ew.
4) Watched the big rugby game - The Bingara Bullets vs The Dungowan cowboys.
Now, you can guess that in a town that huge, the players aren't
professionals, but I did see ALL the players on the field the last night
downing drinks at the pub. The team played accordingly, losing with the
dignified score of 50-10. By the end of the game I was yelling "Bullets"
hoping someone would just shoot the team and spare us the misery of watching
them.
5) Watched the scottish way of picking up a girl. Gordon, my scottish
roommate, used to pick up girls by going down the pub wearing a kilt. Yes,
he brought a kilt along with him. And girls would just chatting him up,
knowing he's not wearing any underwear underneath it. No comment.
6) Last but not least, I got a BJ* from the most beautiful local girl. SInce
Gordon was busy having some steamy scottish action in the hostel, we had to
go down to the rugby field, and the experience of being there with the
lovely city stars and the even more lovely Kelly with was just unbelievable.
I can definitely say I had more fun in Bingara then I did in sydney.
Now I'm out of Bingara and in Byron bay, supposedly a beautiful coastal town
filled with hippies and spiritual people, but it's raining now, and I fear I
won't be able to learn how to surf here anytime soon. I will, however, be
meeting my Israeli mate, Sefi, in the next couple of days, and we'll have a
blast as I haven't seen him in 9 months
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